


we lie loudest when we lie to ourselves

by orphan_account



Category: Little Mix (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-08
Updated: 2013-05-08
Packaged: 2017-12-10 19:59:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/789583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jade’s got a secret</p>
            </blockquote>





	we lie loudest when we lie to ourselves

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this FOREVER ago literally a week after the girls won x factor so here take it

The rumours were getting to be too much. Jade was young. She was beautiful and innocent, but long kept secrets can make even the strongest people begin to crack. The long kept secret? Jade liked girls. She didn’t like to label it, but it was really that simple. For as long as she can remember it’s always been another female clouding her vision opposed to any man. An even bigger secret? Jade was in love with Perrie. Ever since that fateful day when Jade first laid her eyes on the beauty, she was hopelessly enamoured with her.

And now, months later, everything’s changed. Little Mix won the X-Factor, and made it to number one. All four girls were on top of the world, they were invincible. But even through the euphoria of victory, for Jade there was something missing. Or rather, something that shouldn’t have been there. There was jealousy that coursed through her every time Perrie held Jesy’s hand or hugged Leigh-Anne, and when she was fortunate enough to be beside Perrie at an event or interview, and the blonde wrapped her arm around her waist or nudged her gently in the side there was a bolt of electricity which coursed through her veins. And don’t even get her started on the radio interview when they were announced number one. 

Sometimes, when Jade took a sneak glance at Perrie, she would catch her staring and both girls would avert their eyes immediately. On the occasions where Jade would glance back a second time, she could swear she saw a blush taint Perrie’s cheeks, embarrassment at being caught. 

Jade would totally go for it too. She wishes she could, just one day, walk up to Perrie out of the blue, sweep her off her feet, show her how much she cared, but there were a few things in her way. One, Perrie was straight. Two, Perrie didn’t know that Jade was gay, in fact, no one did. Three, the rumours. The papers thrived on love stories between the countries favourite celebrities, Jade knew that, so she shouldn’t trust what she reads about Perrie and Zayn, right? It’s just that when Zayn’s name appears on Perrie’s phone, Jade can tell she’s suppressing a smile as she nonchalantly sets her phone down again. When she sees the pictures in the newspaper of the two together, it’s so convincing that she realises it must be true. Once or twice it’s come up in conversation between the four girls, but Perrie’s waved it off saying, “we’re just friends” or some other unlikely comment. 

One night, to celebrate their number one, the four are having a girly night in, watching a movie, eating junk food. Leigh-Anne and Jesy share the two seater, one at either end, Perrie got the armchair, and Jade, being the last one into the room, on the floor resting against Perrie’s legs. There was the obligatory “aw babe, come sit with me here” from Perrie when she entered, but Jade knew being that close to her in a darkened room for a long time would drive her insane. She regrets sitting even this close to Perrie now, as the blonde tangles her fingers in long, dark locks, gently massaging her scalp. It’s driving her crazy.

“I’m going to get a drink, anyone want anything?” She had to get a break, get some air, air that wasn’t filled with the sweet scent of Perrie Edwards. 

“Do you need any help?” Ok, Perrie, not helping.

“No, honest, do you want anything?”

Jade could tell she looked rushed, but she needed to get out of there. After a chorus of “no, I’m okay” from each of them Jade retreated to the kitchen. Filling a glass with tap water, she leaned against the counter and sighed heavily. With her back to the door, she could sense eyes on her, so she turned around. Jesy’s warm, familiar orbs gazed sweetly at her from the doorway, and she couldn’t help but smile at her presence. 

“Jade, are you alright?”

“Yeah I just don’t feel very well."

“Are you sure it’s just that?” Damn you Jesy. Damn you and your stupid damn ability to see right through everyone. Damn. Jade could feel her cheeks beginning to redden at the feeling she’d been caught. Jesy continued,

“It’s just that, you’ve been acting kind of strange lately, like there’s something wrong, and you seemed pretty adamant about getting a drink alone when Perrie offered to help”

“I-” Jade choked for words as tears began to well in her eyes

“Oh baby girl, it’s okay” Jesy crossed the room to wrap her arms around the smaller girl, “you can tell me anything, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, I just-” The first tears were already making tracks down her face as the realisation that she could come clean, here and now, dawned on her. She pulled back and stared down at her feet. “Jesy, I-I’m gay.” The relief that flooded her body at finally being able to say those words aloud was so intense that she began to cry even harder.

“Oh, Jade”, Jesy pulled her in for another hug, “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“mm-hm”

“It’s Perrie, isn’t it?” Jade froze.

“Please don’t tell anyone. About any of this” she pleaded, and in that moment, she looked so small and vulnerable, that Jesy couldn’t exactly go shouting her secret to the world.

“I’ll give you a minute to calm down then. Finish your drink, get some air, I’m going to go back and watch the movie. But Jade, just remember, this doesn’t change anything between us. It’s not a bad thing” and with a final kiss to the forehead she was gone, leaving Jade alone with her thoughts. So she did what she was told, finished her drink, calmed down and re entered the room looking what she hoped was calm and carefree. Perrie shot her a smile as she entered before Jesy gestured over to the sofa.

“You’ve had enough of sitting on the floor, it’s my turn now”. Jade nodded her agreement and sat down. After a few minutes she caught Jesy’s eye through the dark of the room and mouthed a silent “Thanks”. She couldn’t help but note that Perrie wasn’t playing with Jesy’s hair.

From that moment on, Jade tried to avoid physical contact with Perrie, and one on one situations where she was likely to let something slip or do something stupid. She didn’t know how she had survived up until now without telling anyone. Jesy had become a lifeline for her, and having someone to talk to made everything easier, not to mention her constant cockblocking, keeping Jade and Perrie separated as much as possible. It got harder though, as Perrie seemed to notice, and spent her time trying to get closer. Jade knew, deep down, that a confrontation was going to happen sooner or later, and she was right.

The girls had been sharing an apartment for about a month now, with the money they made they all managed to have their own room. Jade was sitting in hers, reading, when she heard the door open. 

“Jade, can we talk?” Perrie’s soft voice echoed throughout the room, and Jade was powerless to think of an excuse why not.

“Uh…ok”

“Can I sit down?” Jade pushed the clothes strewn over the bed to one side, making a space for her.

“I just- well, I- ugh, I don’t know how to say this so I’m going to be blunt. Are you avoiding me?”

“What? No! Why would you think that?”

“Well you just seem way more distant than usual, and you and Jesy are getting really close so I thought I did something wrong.”

“No, oh my god, you’ve done nothing wrong. I guess I should just tell you…” Jade trailed off, getting lost in her own thoughts.

“Tell me what?” Perrie edged closer and placed her hand on the small of Jade’s back, trying to make eye contact.

Jade’s ming was racing. She didn’t have to tell the whole truth, she didn’t have to mention how much she liked Perrie. She could just say she was gay, and Perrie would think that’s all she had been hiding.

“I- uh, well, I like girls. I like girls the way I’m supposed to feel about guys. I’m gay.”

“yeah, I know” The shock that flashed across Jade’s face was quickly replaced by worry.

“What? DId Jesy tell you? Because I made her promise not to tell! What if she’s told other people? Perrie I’m not ready for that yet! I just can’t!” Jade collapsed into the blonde’s arms sobbing, any ideas of avoiding her gone, replaced by panic over the situation.

“No, Jade, baby, shh.” Perrie stroked her hair comfortingly, resting her chin atop the smaller girls head. “Jesy didn’t tell me anything. I kind of worked it out. I’ve seen you checking out girls in public, hell, I’ve even seen you checking out Jesy and Leigh-Anne once or twice. You weren’t really subtle about it” Jade looked up, embarrassed at being noticed. “Just know that I’m completely ok with this. I hate that you didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell me before now, because you matter too much to me.” The atmosphere in the room seemed to tense up, the world around the two girls slowing down, almost to a stop, as Jade leaned in, tilting her head slightly to the left. Their lips met, and for a few seconds Jade was on cloud nine, or higher, full of ecstasy and excitement because they were kissing. Perrie’s lips were on hers and kissing back. But she felt soft hands grip her shoulders and push her backwards.

“I have to go” muttered Perrie before fleeing the room, shutting the door behind her and laving Jade alone again. In that moment time seemed to stand still. Life could not possibly go on, because Jade had kissed Perrie, and Perrie didn’t want her back. But time does go one, and many hours went on before Jade emerged from her room, face red and blotchy from crying, to get some dinner. She checked the kitchen first, making sure it was empty before entering. Every motion seemed mechanical, because Jade’s whole world had collapsed around her all because of those few seconds.

...

The weeks that followed were awkward and filled with tension surrounding the two girls. Naturally, Jesy noticed the shift in dynamics between Jade and Perrie, with Perrie sitting as far away as she could from Jade, and Jade sneaking glances at her with longing eyes. Not to mention the fact that neither of the girls were their usual happy selves. She found Jade in the kitchen of their flat one day, sitting at the counter and waiting on the kettle to boil. 

“Hey girl, whats up?” Jade looked up from her hands where she had been staring and cracked a slight smile. 

“Just making a cuppa, do you want one?” as if on cue, the kettle whistled and Jade stood to pour her tea, turning her back from Jesy.

“No thanks petal, but I do want to talk to you” Jade knew where this was going. “I’m worried about you”

“Well you don’t have to be” she snapped, more angrily than intended.

“Jadey, pet, please. Just come sit down and talk to me” There was only so long that Jade could keep up the charade that she was ok, and she figured she would have to tell Jesy what happened. No time like the present, right?

The girls made their way into the sitting room, Jade cradling a mug of tea. Jesy sat down first and patted the empty space beside her to encourage Jade.

“I’m just going to come out and say it. What’s been going on between you and Perrie?” She was met by silence. “okay, let me put it another way. I’m not being insensitive, but we are staying right here until you tell me exactly what’s up. I hate seeing you like this. Both of you. Please, just tell me what’s happened.” Jade drew her knees up to her chest and mumbled out a reply.

“I kissed her”

“oh”

“I kissed her and she ran, and she’s been avoiding me ever since and I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t”

“come here” Jesy opened her arms for Jade, mirroring Perrie’s actions on that fateful day, and Jade accepted the hug, knowing full well who she would rather have hugging her. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry Jade, but I really don’t know.” Jade quietened against Jesy’s shoulder, and mumbled something incoherent. Jesy grabbed her gently by the shoulders and pulled back. 

“What?”

“I said, I think I’m in love with her” 

“oh.”

The front door closed with a bang, and Jade pulled away, flinching and wiping her eyes, trying to make it look like she wasn’t crying. “I think I’ll go upstairs,” she stated before leaving the room, carrying her empty mug.

“I’m back!” Perrie’s voice rang through from the doorway, as she announced her return, arms full of groceries. “What’s up?” She asked Jesy, keeping her eyes on Jade’s back as she left the room. 

“Do you need a hand with those?” Jesy laughed as Perrie obviously did.

“No, I think I can manage, thanks though babe!” She made her way into the kitchen, through the same door Jade had retreated through moments before. Jade hadn’t left the kitchen. Perrie set the bags she was juggling on the countertop and looked at Jade. She had her back to her, her long curly hair hanging loosely down her back, dressed in a pair of skinny jeans and an oversized t-shirt. She was beautiful. Maybe it could work. Maybe her and Jade, together, could work.

As soon as that idea entered her head it left again. No. No, because people don’t understand. People would think it’s disgusting and gross for two girls in a group to be gay for each other. It just wouldn’t work. Jade turned around and turned the corner of her lips up at Perrie, who smiled toothily back. Both girls stood in silence, staring at each other, until Perrie broke it.

“I’m sorry Jade.”

“What for?” Jade looked almost hopeful, and Perrie knew what she was about to say would just crush the little Geordie further.

“Making things awkward between us. You have to understand though, we would never work-“

“We could though” tears were beginning to form in Jade’s eyes

“No, just let me finish. We couldn’t, and I’m sorry, but I don’t want to spoil our friendship. I’m straight, Jade, and I don’t like you that way” Perrie cursed herself internally, surely anyone could see through a lie that big “but please, let’s just go back to the way it was before, yeah?” Jade brought her hand up to her face, wiping the back of it along her cheek to dry off her tears.

“I’ll try” Perrie crossed the room to wrap the smaller girl in her arms. Jade inhaled deeply, fighting more tears, but at the same time selfishly inhaling the sweet scent of Perrie Edwards. She was wrong. Perrie didn’t like her. She had to accept that this was as good as she was getting; a hug, an arm around her waist at events, hands interlinked so they wouldn’t get lost in crowds. It wasn’t going to be enough, deep down Jade knew that someday she would need more, but for now, she would have to settle for it and hope that, some day, Perrie would reciprocate her feelings.

...

And so it went on. Things returned to normal, Perrie seeming to forget what had happened, treating Jade the same way she had before, and Jade stealing moments around the blonde, relishing in her company and trying to stop her heart from breaking daily. And she was totally succeeding, too. She figured that if she just waited, in time she would get over it. Maybe Perrie’s blossoming relationship with Zayn would help. Jade had morals, and the last thing she would do was go after someone if they were already in a relationship. It turned out that the newspapers had been right. Perrie liked Zayn, and Zayn liked Perrie, and Jade tried not to think about it at all.

That’s not saying that her chest didn’t clench at the front page of the Sun, with a picture of the couple holding hands in public. It didn’t mean that every time Perrie’s phone was illuminated with Zayn’s name didn’t she felt an intense pull at her stomach and an unpleasant desire to be sick. It didn’t mean that whenever Perrie spent the night at Zayn’s Jade wouldn’t cry herself to sleep, quiet sobs as she clutched the blanket, like it was all she had left. All of this happened. Jade couldn’t stop it. But she convinced herself she was getting there.

The girls were at Tulisa’s for dinner and a girly night in. Well, three of them were, Perrie was on a date with Zayn in some fancy restaurant a few miles away. They had just finishing eating when the conversation drifted towards Perrie and Zayn.

“I think it’s cute” Jesy raised her eyebrows at Leigh-Anne

“Really?”

“Yeah, I mean they look good together. They compliment each other, and all that.”

“Yeah, I agree Leigh-Anne,” interrupted Tulisa, “Puppy love and all.” Jade stayed quiet, not trusting herself to speak. Jesy shot her a worrying glance, which she responded to with a subtle shake of the head.

“I- uh, excuse me, I need the toilet”

“No problem darlin’, you know where it is, yeah?” Jade nodded her answer and left the room.

“Have either of you noticed something strange going on with Jade recently?” Leigh-Anne asked in a hushed tone, knowing Jade was only in the next room.

“What do you mean?” Tulisa seemed surprised at the question

“Like, I don’t know, she’s been acting differently, she seems sad. I think there’s something she’s not telling us”

“um, I’m going to go see if she’s alright, I’ll be right back” Jesy left the two sitting at the table, quietly discussing Jade.

“Jade, baby girl, you ok?” Jesy knocked lightly on the door of the bathroom, “did you eat too much again?” she asked with a half laugh. The door opened to reveal the smaller girl on the other side. 

“Yeah, a bit. I’m just not feeling too good.”

“Jade, Leigh-Anne’s noticed something’s up.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Well, she asked us five minutes ago if we’d noticed you acting differently or anything. I think she’s just worried.”

“So you’re saying I should-“

“I’m not saying you should do anything, whatever you want to do, it’s your choice. I just don’t think it’s fair on her.”

“Do you think she’d be ok with it?” Jesy laughed as she pulled Jade in for a hug.

“Are you honestly asking me that question? Leigh-Anne adores you, as does Tulisa. Do you really think that this is going to change that?” Jesy breathed a sigh of relief when she felt Jade’s muffled giggle against her shoulder. “I’ll tell them if you want, but only if you want me to.” Jade pulled away.

“Would you? Please? I think you’re right. They deserve to know.”

“I’m proud of you Jade.” Jesy placed a chaste kiss to Jade’s cheek before grabbing her hand and pulling her into the other room to sit down again.

“You alright babe?” Jade did feel guilty. She could hear the genuine concern in Tulisa’s voice. This wasn’t even a big thing, why was she so scared of saying it. Don’t make it a big deal and it won’t be. She had nothing left to lose, and she trusted these girls. Jesy was right, they were her friends, they cared about her, so maybe she could do this.

“Well actually, I have something to tell you both.” Jesy looked shocked. she mouthed a subtle “you sure?”, which Jade answered with a discreet nod of the head.

“Yeah, go on then” Leigh-Anne encouraged. 

“I- well- uh” Jade stammered

“Hey, girl, take a breath, we’re in no rush” Jade did as she was told. There was only one way to say it, wasn’t there? She would just have to be blunt about it.

“I like girls. I’m gay.” Jade lowered her head in anticipation to stare at her hands in her lap. Why was nobody saying anything? Maybe she was wrong. Maybe she shouldn’t have said it. Maybe they hated her. She looked up again, and breathed an audible sigh of relief at the smiles on the other girls’ faces. 

“Come here” Tulisa stood and opened her arms for a hug, which Jade happily accepted. Tulisa whispered in her ear, so that nobody else could hear her, “You are so brave, and I’m so proud of you. I know what it’s like to have a secret that big to hide,” and with a final squeeze she released her, with no further explanation, other than a flash of pain and a look of sadness in her eyes. No sooner had Jade blinked than it was gone, replaced by a smile. Jade looked at the older girl with questioning eyes, but Tulisa just shook her head.

“Group hug!” Leigh-Anne shouted before running over and wrapping her arms around Jade and Tulisa. Jesy joined them a moment later, laughing.

An hour later the girls were sitting in Tulisa’s living room, stuffed, tired and lazy. They were chatting comfortably when Leigh-Anne’s phone buzzed in her pocket.

“Woah, guys, text from Perrie. She’s asking if we’re all still here, and if she can join us?” Jesy glanced at the clock. 8.30.

“I wonder why she’s finished so early. Maybe her date didn’t go too well” 

“We’ll just have to wait and see. Will I just tell her to get a taxi over here?”

“Of course!” Tulisa voiced her consent.

Within fifteen minutes the doorbell rang, and Jesy answered it to Perrie, who stood there with a half smile playing on her face.

“Come in, my friend” Jesy put on a strong Australian accent.

The two girls made their way back into Tulisa’s living room and sat down on the settee. There was a silence in the room, like everyone had the same question, but nobody wanted to ask. The giant elephant in the room, so to speak.

“Crisp?” Leigh-Anne broke the silence with a smirk extending the bowl of crisps to Perrie, who gladly accepted.

“I know you’re all just dying to ask, so go ahead, do it.”

“Ask what?” retorted Leigh-Anne, a knowing smirk still playing on her face.

“Well I guess you don’t want to know then.” Perrie played along, trying her hardest to keep a straight face, but unable to do so.

“Oh go on then, how was the date?” Watching Leigh-Anne and Perrie’s friendly banter, Jade couldn’t help but smile sadly, wishing things were still that easy between Perrie and herself. 

“It was wonderful” Perrie gushed. Jade couldn’t help but interject,

“So how come you’re done so early?” she knew she was treading dangerous territory now, that the conversation could turn sour any minute. 

“Oh, the boys have to fly over to Germany tonight, for a concert tomorrow, so Zayn had to leave.” 

“So you really like him then?” Tulisa joined in the conversation, not seeing the pained look on Jade’s face. Jesy, however, noticed and leaned into Jade, subtly whispering in her ear.

“Do you want to leave?” She was answered by an almost invisible shake of the head.

The other girls continued gossiping about the date, whilst Jade watched on quietly, laughing along in all the right places. Maybe it was for the best. Still, no matter how unreachable the fantasy of her and Perrie was now, she couldn’t stop the feelings. She still got butterflies whenever she was around her. And not to mention that she still caught Perrie looking, once or twice, only to see her blush furiously and look away. She wasn’t going to mention it though, she’d made their relationship unspeakably awkward once before, she wasn’t going to do it again.

...

Jade’s mind was all over the place. She couldn’t stop thinking about Perrie and Zayn and what Tulisa had said to her.

_“I know what it’s like to have a secret that big to hide”_

What did that even mean? The look in Tulisa’s eyes was still strong in her mind, and that was the only reason she hadn’t asked her about it. The flash of pain, followed by her smile, which was not at all convincing. Jade’s mind was all over the place, meaning she was distracted. Jade’s mind was all over the place, meaning she didn’t see the car until it was too late.

Jade awoke to the sound of voices, familiar voices. She felt like she’d slept her whole life, but was still exhausted. Her eyes were heavy, so she kept them shut, choosing to listen to the quiet conversation in the room. 

“It’s been four days, you haven’t had a proper meal, or a shower, or a decent sleep. You need to go home, even just for one night.” Tulisa’s voice calmed Jade. She could feel a tingling in her right hand, where it connected to someone else’s.

“I’m not leaving her. Not until she wakes up. Not until I know she’s ok.” The hand holding hers squeezed lightly and Jade’s heart leapt when she realised. Perrie. Perrie had stayed with her. As if by instinct, Jade squeezed back, finally attempting to open her eyes. Perrie tightened her grip on Jade’s hand, holding it tight between both of hers. It seemed that now she was finally awake, neither girl knew what to say. Perrie broke the silence.

“You scared me, baba.”

“What happened?” Perrie opened her mouth to speak before closing it again and shaking her head. Tulisa took it as a sign.

“There was an…accident. You were hit by a car. You’ve broken your leg and a couple of ribs, but they were more worried about the head injuries. You’ve been in a coma for four days.”

“What do you mean, ‘head injuries’?”

“No, pet, there’s nothing to worry about. They did a scan for brain damage or anything else, and it came back fine.” Tulisa’s voice got quieter and Jade could see the turmoil in her eyes, “they just thought you might not wake up.”

“I was terrified. I was really bloody terrified. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Tears had formed in Perrie’s eyes and it broke Jade’s heart to see it.

“It’s ok. I’m ok.”

“Perrie, you should go home now. Rest for a bit. Eat, have a shower, you can come back later.”

“But, shouldn’t someone stay with her?”

“Her mum’s outside, we’ll send her in and then I’ll take you back, ok?” Jade watched the exchange between the two, thankful that she had such wonderful people around her. Tulisa bent over to kiss Jade’s forehead before making her way to the door. Perrie sat, still grasping Jade’s hand tightly. She raised it to her mouth and lightly kissed the back of it, before giving one last squeeze and standing up.

“I’ll see you later”

“Bye.”

As Jade watched the two girls retreating forms, she couldn’t help but feel there was something different. Aside from the obvious fact that she had almost died, that was going to change something, it felt like there was something unspoken in the air. Her thoughts were interrupted as her mum ran through the door and was by her side in seconds.

Perrie and Tulisa had sat in silence for the past ten minutes. It was a half hour drive from the hospital to Tulisa’s house, where she’d decided to take Perrie. Perrie had phoned Jesy and Leigh-Anne, letting them know Jade was awake, and now she sat, unsure what to say. 

“Tulisa can I talk to you about something?” The words slipped out before Perrie could stop them.

“Of course darlin’”

“Well, these past few days have been horrible, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about Jade. I just- I don’t know if I could handle not having her in my life. She’s so special and I love her and I don’t know how I ever hurt her.” The words were tumbling out of Perrie’s mouth and she was powerless to stop them.

“What do you mean, you hurt her?”

“Uhh-” Perrie began to panic, she had already said too much.

“Perrie, just trust me ok? Tell me.” Perrie took a deep breath.

“Well, she told me she was gay a while ago, and then she kissed me and I rejected her. It’s not because I didn’t want to be with her, it’s because I was scared. But theres something else that scares me more; losing her. And I just don’t know what to do. Please just tell me what to do.” Perrie’s eyes had begun to leak midway through her confession, and she buried her face in her hands.

“I’m going to tell you a story. When I was your age, there was this girl. Now I was straight, or at least, fairly certain I was. But this girl was breathtaking, like, mindblowingly beautiful. And she wasn’t just a pretty face, she was perfect. But I was scared. I was so scared that when she tried to tell me that she liked me, I turned her down. She’s married now, and it broke my heart so much, I couldn’t even go to her wedding. It still hurts me to know that I’m not the one making her happy, because I was scared. Don’t make the same mistake I did.”

“So you’re-“

“Not gay, if that’s what you’re asking. Straight, with an exception.”

“Oh.” Perrie was silenced as the realisation hit her. That could happen. She could lose Jade to someone else. God knows theres hundreds of other girls would want to be with her. “I need to tell her.”

“Tomorrow. I’m going to take you back to mine, you’re going to shower and eat and get a good night’s sleep, and then I’ll take you back there tomorrow.” Tulisa may have understood Perrie’s situation, but the full extent of the love she had for Jade only became clear late that night, when Perrie crawled into Tulisa’s bed, tear tracks clearly visible on her face, begging for the comforting touch of the older woman. 

That’s when the full weight of the situation hit her. In that moment she hoped more than anything that everything would work out.

...

The lack of sleep over the past four days had exhausted Perrie, so much so that she slept like a log, despite her worry. She awoke wrapped in Tulisa’s arms, her head resting on her shoulder. Slipping out of her grasp, Perrie was careful not to wake the sleeping woman. She made her way into the kitchen of Tulisa’s house, her sock clad feet slipping against the tiled floor. Her head was spinning with a whirlwind of emotions. She realised that, even when she was dating Zayn, she had somehow managed to fall, hard and fast, for Jade. Zayn. Perrie had never ended things between the two, never even show any desire to. She had been stringing him along for weeks. Everything she’d said at Tulisa’s about their date had been a lie. When he kissed her, it felt wrong. All she could do was close her eyes and remember the feeling of Jade’s lips on hers, imagining a very different person kissing her. She twirled her mobile absently in her hand before making a decision.Tulisa appeared downstairs an hour after Perrie had, wondering where the girl had disappeared to. She found her sitting at the kitchen table with her back to the door, staring into space.

“You ok babe?”

Perrie turned to her with red eyes, making it obvious she’d been crying. “I broke up with Zayn. I told him I’m in love with Jade. He got really annoyed and said it was just a phase and that he won’t wait around for me when I’m over it.”

“Oh, Perrie.” Tulisa crossed the room to pull Perrie into her, allowing her to cry into her shoulder, wetting her t-shirt. “It’s ok. He’s got no right to tell you what you’re feeling.”

“Yeah, but what if he’s right? What if I’m just confused because Jade nearly died and I tell her and then I move on and end up hurting her even more.” Perrie’s voice quietened to a whisper, “I don’t think I could handle hurting her like that again.”

“Look at me.” Tulisa pulled away from Perrie so she could look her in the eye. “The fact that you’re thinking about this so much means that you care about Jade a lot. I can see it too. I’m not going to tell you how you feel either, because only you know that. Do what you need to; tell Jade. Because, from what I see, you love her.” Tulisa swiped a thumb under Perrie’s eyes to dry her tears. “Now go get dressed darlin’. We’re going to get your girl.”

Perrie’s head was spinning. The sterile-white walls of the hospital corridors felt like they were closing in on her and her heart was pounding. Tulisa held her hand, occasionally caressing it with her thumb, in an attempt to calm down the younger girl. They reached the door to Jade’s private room just as Perrie thought she couldn’t take it any more. 

“Do you want me to come in?” Perrie shook her head. “Well, I’ll wait out here. Good luck darlin’.” Tulisa gave Perrie’s hand a final squeeze and planted a quick kiss to her cheek before walking off.

Perrie knocked lightly on the door, but got no response, so she went on in anyway. Jade lay asleep, and the sight broke Perrie’s heart all over again. In the twenty four hours she had been away from the hospital, she had thought little of Jade’s condition. She was pale, about the colour of Perrie despite her natural tan skin. Even while she slept there was obvious worry on her face and she was noticeably skinnier, which couldn’t be a good thing. Perrie made her way over to the plastic chair beside Jade’s bed and carefully entangled their fingers. She had to bite back a sob at how frail Jade had gotten, trying not to waken the sleeping girl.

Jade felt something move beside her. The bed shifted slightly, wakening her from her sleep. She opened her eyes to Perrie, who had her head resting on the bed, hand clasped tightly in Jade’s, fast asleep. 

“Perrie?” She watched the blonde girl stir as she heard her voice.

“Jade” Perrie breathed out, as if speaking too loudly would make Jade disappear. 

“Yeah.” Both girls looked at each other, the tension obvious in the room.

“You’re ok.” It was more of a statement than a question

“Yeah.” Perrie knew she had to say something. She had rehearsed a script the whole way to the hospital but right now, when she needed it the most, words failed her. The silence closed in around her until she felt that if she stayed quiet much longer, she’d suffocate.

“I’m in love with you.” That wasn’t how it was meant to happen, but it was something. It was true. 

“No you aren’t.” 

“What?” Jade sighed and looked away.

“You’re just saying it because you feel sorry for me.”

“What? No!” Perrie Grabbed Jade’s hand, waiting until she looked at her, “It’s not like that at all. I broke up with Zayn. I’ve been in love with you ever since you kissed me. I was scared. I was just so, so scared. But then I realised, I almost lost you and-” Perrie chokes on her words, overcome with sudden emotion. “And I don’t know what I would have done. I love you, Jade. I love you so much.”

“I’m damaged goods.” Perrie didn’t know what to do. This wasn’t how it was meant to happen. 

“Jade, look at me.” Jade hesitated, training her eyes on the window at the other side of the room. She felt a soft hand grasp her chin and turn her face around.

“I love you Jade,” Perrie whispered. “I love you so, so much.” And with that she was leaning in, closer and closer until they were sharing the same air. Suddenly, they were kissing, and Jade let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. Perrie moved her right hand from Jade’s chin around to the back of her head, wary of the smaller girl’s injuries. Her left hand remained firmly clasped in Jade’s. Jade was the first to pull away.

“I love you so much, it’s killing me.” Perrie smiled, forehead resting against Jade’s. “Just, please don’t be lying to me.”

“We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves Jade, and I’m done with lying to myself. I love you.”


End file.
